Best Can't-Lose Investment Idea You Ever Heard (BC-LIIYEH).

I remember that I involuntarily screamed and spasmodically clutched my chest in some kind of sudden cardiac event when I learned to my horror that the evil Federal Reserve has announced a continuation of their insane money-creation schemes for another year at least.

This is supposed to keep interest rates low by flooding the bond market with oceans of new money to drive bond prices up (and hence yields down).
But the low interest rates will also, theoretically, encourage the stock market to go up, which is actually the whole point of it all.

This, unfortunately, was made necessary by the sheer staggering stupidity of everyone investing everything, including their entire future lives, in the stock market.

Indeed, as Dave Gonigam in Agora Financial's 5- Minute Forecast said, "stock prices are what it’s all about for the Fed", and then quoting Ben Bernanke saying that a rising stock market "will boost consumer wealth and help increase confidence, which can also spur spending."

I am, predictably, outraged! Outraged, I tells ya! I mean, if I pay $10 to buy a share of a company which makes $1 in earnings, but I am richer if strangers in a rigged market bid the stock up to $100, to buy the same $1 of earnings? Hahahaha!

I don't know why I am laughing, because on top of all my other repressed and expressed angers about all kinds of outrageous things, I am outraged anew that most of the money, created by the evil Federal Reserve out of thin air, which increases the money supply which increases prices which hurts the poor, was used to buy new government debt! Gahhhh!

Monetizing the debt! To the tune of trillions of dollars! Gaaahhh! I can't believe my own eyes! My chest hurts again!  My heart is painfully pounding again! Arrgghh!

Monetizing the debt is the Number One Unforgivable Sin Of Economics (NOUSOE) across the entire universe. And if this kind of monumental, abject stupidity gets back to Zorggk, Supreme Commander of this whole quadrant of the galaxy, who thinks that Earthlings (which my people call "Maize people") are an irredeemably stupid species deserving of immediate extinction, we're probably toast! 

Part of it all, he is sure to find out, is caused by the gaping current account deficit (essentially the trade deficit), which is still falling, faster and faster, down to around $470 billion a year. 

This is money that is, theoretically, lost when imports exceed exports. Poof! Gone!  Slipped from hands of Americans and into the hands of foreigners, but, I hasten to add, with cross-border ownerships, taxes, tariffs, fees, bribes, tax-evading shenanigans, government corruption and incessant meddling, who the hell knows what a "current-account deficit" really is anymore?

Plus (and this is the biggie reason why I am so apprehensive), Zorggk himself, for amusement and with a gluttonous appetite for money and profit, is betting on a rise in gold and silver here on Earth (which my people call "Maize"), which, unfortunately, haven't done much, investment-wise, in quite a while.

So he is especially peevish about not getting the expected double-digit increases from his investments in gold and silver, despite my telling him that it would be the Best Can't-Lose Investment Idea You Ever Heard (BC-LIIYEH).

To be fair, this is the same thing that I told my family, any friends I once had, and the people who said they were my friends but just wanted me to give them money and/or stab me in the back the first chance they got, the bastards.

"Buy gold, silver and oil!" I told them, and when they didn't listen, I told their children that their parents were stupid for not buying gold, silver and oil, and I told them all some more, and then more, and more, until they screamed "Enough about buying gold, silver and oil! We have heard it, and we have had it with hearing you say it, you creepy, horrible old man! And get out of our damned way so that we can get to the produce section and get some damned lettuce and a couple of spuds so that I can get out of this stupid grocery store and away from you!"

And, since we are talking about it, I also told YOU to buy gold, silver and oil, and I also told total strangers and anyone who lets me get near enough to them, usually by sneaking up on them from the rear, to unforgettably-scream at them "We're freaking doomed, you moron! Buy gold, silver and oil against the calamitous inflation in prices, the inevitable result of an unholy, un-Constitutional treachery of a fiat currency un-tethered to gold, insane levels of fractional-reserve banking where hundreds of dollars are created out of thin air for every measly penny of new deposits, a national debt more than equal to GDP ($15 trillion), with a staggering accrued liability measured in hundreds of trillions of dollars, a huge suffocating government running amok on monstrous deficit-spending, and the foul, filthy Federal Reserve creating outrageous amounts of money to pay for it all!"

To those who turned and replied, in their usual blubbering incomprehension, saying "Shut the hell up, you moron!" or "Oh, damn! Not you again!", I haughtily dismissed them with a mere wave of my insouciant hand -- away with thee, poltroon!  -- as if brushing an insignificant bug from the table.

On the other hand, there were those who where quizzical, along the lines of "What in the hell are you yelling about, you stupid old man who ought to be forced to take some kind of brain medicine, or locked up, or shot?"

To these people I eagerly explained, as gently and kindly as I could, "Ha!  That just shows how stupid you are, lard butt!  Such insane levels of money inflation must always -- always, you hear me, you moron? Always! -- lead to price a destructive inflation, as evidenced by the fact that, for the last 4,500 years, inflation in the money supply has ALWAYS led to inflation in prices! What are you, some kind of drooling 'free lunch' moron or Democrat, as redundant as that is?"

Usually, the conversation, as fascinating as it is, ends abruptly pretty soon after that.   So I never got the chance to tell anyone that, currently, inflation is readily seen in the prices of bonds, their derivatives, the things tenuously tied to the bond market through other derivatives, and things I about which I have probably never even heard.

In fact, the long inflation in the money supply has already shown up in the prices of bonds, as tons of new money allows bidding for them so frenzied that it has driven bond prices to the moon and thus caused short-term interest rates to drop to -- literally! --zero!

Buying a bond that pays literally zero! Wow! And on short-term paper, yield is less than 2% on the 10-year note!

And this is despite the fact that price inflation, figured the old-fashioned, pre-Clinton, pre-Greenspan, pre-Boskin deception-and-fraud kind of way, is somewhere between a horrifying 8% and a stupefying 11%!  Terrifying! We're Freaking Doomed (WFD)!

It seems to me that around in here, somewhere, that instead of screaming "We're freaking doomed because of the evil Federal Reserve creating so much credit/debt and money, and the despicably corrupt Congress that encouraged them to do it,"  I should instead make another suggestion that you, too, adopt the Best Can't-Lose Investment Idea You Ever Heard (BC-LIIYEH), which is to buy gold, silver and oil to save yourself (and theoretically prosper beyond dreams of avarice!) from the coming, inevitable, roaring inflation in prices of food and energy that you need to exist, and the devastating deflation in the prices of the things you don't need to exist.

And if you do it soon enough, and the prices of gold and silver go up far enough as a result, I can thankfully, in a saving-my-own-butt kind of way, show Zorggk a smaller loss in his holdings of gold and silver, and indeed show him a very encouraging meteoric rising trend in their prices sooner rather than later!

And this silly reacting-to-volatility is ignoring the dead-bang certainty of it all, which makes buying gold, silver and oil, truly, the Best Can't-Lose Investment Idea You Ever Heard (BC-LIIYEH).

And did I mention it's easy, too? Certain and easy! Whee!

Zorggk - The Exceedingly Great!

I am dreading that it is now again time for me to make another of my stupid periodic reports to Zorggk The Exceedingly Great, who is the new Supreme Overlord of this barren outpost in this quadrant of the galaxy, and who isn't happy about it. 

I mean, if he is so exceedingly great, what is he doing way out here, out across the tracks, in this backwater, low-rent, low-IQ section of the universe?

And his famously bad mood about his new position is only one of the things that make this reporting period so forbidding to me.

For one thing, he thinks that our beer tastes "funny" and that our pornography is weird, involving, as it does, a total absence of bare, glistening tentacles, particularly long, shapely tentacles heaving and breathing lustily in raw, feverish passion, twining and intertwining in a forbidden dance of love, and together (for Zorggk, anyway) they count as Strike One and Strike Two against this stupid planet, as seemingly unfair as that is.

Rumor has it that Zorggk is considering just eliminating our whole planet because we are 1) now sending our low-IQ, mutant spoor into space aboard probes (a term which he thinks is riotously funny, as in "Bend over, here come the probes!" Hahaha!), but which is bad because 2) he is seriously probe-o-phobic.

No, in rereading that last sentence, I now see that the "2)" is not right, although if you have ever pondered the many meanings of the word "probe", you will understand how anyone would think it was number 2! Get it? Hahaha!

Now that I am embarrassed to see that my little joke has fallen short, let me blithely go on as if nothing has happened, where I breezily announce that the REAL 2) reason to kill us all is because we Earthlings, whom my people call "Maize," are a really stupid bunch of lowlife boneheads such that we cannot even understand the all-important importance of not having inflation in consumer prices, as emphatically implied by a ridiculously redundant -- plus stupid-sounding at no extra cost! -- phrase, namely "all-important importance."

In my initial briefing with Zorggk, which I remember with a shudder to this day, I was to bring him up to speed about this planet you call Earth, which my people call "Maize."

Eagerly, like the cowardly servile little worm that I am, I agreed with him about how he deserved a better posting than this, and that it's all politics, especially that whole Andromeda crowd that thinks it's so hot, but are not, but they got the power, that's what.
.
The little rap tune broke the ice, and we soon shared a laugh about the stupidity of not having a stable money supply, as achieved with gold as money, and I was starting to tell him about the bizarre fascination on the planet Maize, which you call Earth, with, instead of a gold money, ridiculous paper currencies! Hahaha!

He laughed, but it was not mirthful. It was cold and heartless, as he, too, knew what this meant.

But he roared, or perhaps guffawed, we don't know which, when I described the insane levels of fractional-reserve banking, where the banks have a few lousy cents in deposits for every few THOUSANDS of dollars that they created, literally out of thin air, so that the banks could lend it out in some gigantic flood of new money, and new credit, and new debt, of which a staggering $6.3 trillion was used to buy government debt so that the hopelessly embarrassing Obama administration could deficit-spend it -- the whole $6.3 trillion! -- in basically Three Lousy Years (TLY)! 

Doubling the entire national debt in less than 4 years! Insane and suicidal!

Even the Glorb people, a newly-discovered kind of invertebrate slug on the planet Glorb, which my people call "Maize" and which is even farther out in the barren hinterlands of the galaxy, understand this gold/money concept completely, despite not having any discernable brain, and have a monetary system is a gold standard!

Even though there is no actual gold on the planet!

I mean, how weird is that?

The lesson is that inflation in prices, as a result of such massive increases in the money supply by both the evil Federal Reserve and the other dirtbag central banks around the world because they are not constrained by gold, is going to have a profound effect.

"What kind of effect?" you ask with a quiver in your voice.   Well, I am happy to say that we professional economists have a technical, very-precise term for what happened every time in the last 4,500 years that this kind of monetary insanity got out of control.

We call it Everything Goes To Hell (EGTH).

One of the more interesting details of studying the historical evidence of EGTH is that not quite everything goes to, you know, hell.   

Gold and silver soar, soar, SOAR in price, and thus the Gigantic Mogambo Revelation (GMR), enlightenment perhaps not unlike that found by a young Buddha under a bodhi tree, which is that gold and silver will, this time, just like all the other times, soar in price.

And thus (follow my logic closely here) those who wisely bought gold and silver (and oil) will be an exclusive club, namely the "new rich," where "rich" is defined as "The sheer tonnage of cool stuff and tasty treats you bought and the additional tonnage of stuff you can still easily afford to buy."

Ah, but the delight of the prosperous few will be more than matched by the desperate, fearful outrage of the many, who are looking for scapegoats.

In that case, let me offer that it was all made possible by the evil Federal Reserve actually creating the fiat money, an evil Supreme Court that treacherously ruled that a fiat money was the same as a gold money despite what the Constitution said, a long series of corrupt, low-IQ Congresses that encouraged disastrous monetary profligacy so as to continually fund outrageous budget deficits, a woefully-ignorant and/or mentally-defective economics profession shot-through with the now-proven idiocies of Keynesian econometric economics, the one that actually links interest rates with spending and prescribes deficit-spending regardless of size, and a brain-dead population of voters that kept electing the same "Who else wants a free lunch?" weenies, time after time, all these years since the '60s.

A pox upon all their houses, of course, but the point is that, as they say, "It is an ill wind that doesn't blow somebody some good." 

In this case, it is the wise, intelligent, good-looking, cool people who bought gold, silver and oil stocks who will be blown some good.

And since physical gold and physical silver are still so amazingly cheap and so easy to buy, and the result being so obviously guaranteed by 4,500 years of history, what can one say except, gleefully, "Whee! This investing stuff is easy!"?

Magnificent Mojo Mogambo (MMM)

I was, admittedly, drinking heavily, courageously trying to get drunk enough so that 1) I would have a handy excuse for being so incoherent and belligerent, and 2) I would not have to think about the inflationary horrors in prices that will be the ruinous price we pay for the inflationary horrors in the exploding money supply thanks to the treachery and stupidity of the Federal Reserve and the loathsome Obama administration.

Unfortunately, at this particular point in time I was neither of the above, although naturally still blathering in my customary rage.  But I was now at the point where I sigh aloud through gritted teeth, asking rhetorically "And who committed these terrible monetary and fiscal sins, and thus condemned us and our children to the hell of complete ruination? To quote Captain Ahab in Moby Dick, 'from the heart of hell I strike at thee!' Hahahaha!"

As if on cue, here comes my idiot son bursting into the room, excitedly exclaiming that his many IOUs to me are as good as paid!   "Huh?" I think to myself, wondering if he finally got a job, or was I too sloshed to comprehend what he is saying?

So, through numb lips I managed to ask, "Did you get a job or something, or have some other way to pay me back all the money you owe me, or at least pour me another drink, you lazy little bastard? Or even get your damned mother off my ass about taking the garbage out for a lousy ten minutes?"

He says no, he did not get a job, adding that he is sick of hearing me ask about it, and helpfully pointing out that I was slobbering down the front of my shirt.

 
Well, I looked down at my shirt, and it was, alas, messy with slobber. Reflexively, I cleverly denied the facts and said "I am not drooling.  I deliberately put that slobber there because…because…because…"

Realizing that I could not come up with some vaguely logical reason why I was dribbling on my own shirt, I groggily switched tacks and asked, with a snotty, arrogant attitude, "How is it that a busted-out kid like you can pay off his IOUs to me, his loving father who sees treachery everywhere, even in the bosom of his devoted family?"   

I subtly arched an eyebrow to show that, as a loving father, I am curious as to how he has arranged such a wondrous thing.

In reply, he thrusts a copy of the Tampa Bay Times, my local laughably provincial leftist rag, which (as you would expect) carried an essay by Paul Krugman, a man whom I consider, with a particularly acid venom, one of the worst neo-Keynesian econometric halfwits in the known world, the shame of Princeton University, a shame he shares with Ben Bernanke, chairman of the loathsome, demonic Federal Reserve.

Well, my eyes were kind of going in-and-out of focus by this time, but the adrenaline of my outrage soon focused my attention wonderfully when he demonstrated his insanity by pontificating that, even though it has been discredited for so long that it is beyond incredible that he would dare say it, "Our debt is mostly money we owe to each other."

At this enormous, enormous stupidity I felt a huge Mogambo Laugh Of Scorn (MLOS) building inside me, which I labored mightily to suppress long enough to gently and kindly ask my darling son, as the gentle and kindly father that I really, really am, "What in the hell does that have to do with your owing me far more money than you will ever be worth, you little moron?"

He gleefully explained "Well, I owe you money, see, but Mr. Krugman says we all owe money to each other, and you'll get yours back somehow, like when you enjoy the utility of new bridges and roads, and keeping the welfare population docile, and having a massive military and an enormous government workforce looking for something to do."

 My stunned silence apparently emboldened him to continue "Or probably more directly when I am older and paying Social Security taxes to support you in your geezerhood.  So Krugman was right; it's money we owe to each other! So it all cancels out! We're even, dude!"

At this, the long-suppressed MLOS burst forth from my lips, my bad breath tinged with sour tequila and old pizza, the stench of which made me realize where he got such a ridiculous idea; he hangs around Democrats and similarly brain-damaged kids at school.

So I gave him a scornful, disdainful look, pointed to the door, let out a loud belch and then an even louder fart as my Clever Mogambo Way (CMW) of wordlessly dismissing him and his stupid ideas from my royal presence.

As for Paul Krugman, I forced myself to read further in his stupid essay to see if he has, by some absolute miracle, showed that the national debt really IS a lot of "money we owe to each other", and not some deadly generator of horrific economy-killing inflation in prices like has always been the case.

I have more than an academic interest in this, as I, a taxpayer, have been paying and paying and paying taxes to pay the interest on the constantly-growing debt (now grown to a staggering $16 trillion) all my life, and paying the constantly-higher inflation in prices that one sadly gets as a result of creating so much excess money and credit, too, paying more and more Every Freaking Day (EFD).

And now I'd really, really, REALLY like someone to pay ME for a change, which you would expect from something termed "money we owe each other" and, even if unmentioned, paying me back the excess money I had to spend all along the way to pay the inflation in prices that all that excess money and credit produced, too, which is now (hold onto your hat!) running at and unaltered 8% or so, by which I mean "or more!"

 Gaaaah! We're Freaking Doomed (WFD)!

Alas, like all know-nothing blowhards, Krugman does not explain how he reached his preposterous conclusion, and that we'll just have to take his word on it, even though he has been wrong about almost everything all his life, except his remark about "Mogambo? Sure I know him! An incandescent brilliance! He's a Big Freaking Genius (BFG) who sees right through me, exposing me as the vacuous gasbag that I am!"

Okay, I admit that he never actually said that, and I just made it up because that is just the kind of petty, spiteful, hateful kind of guy that I am, which I have already been told is not as charming as I had always thought, so to hell with all of you.

Anyway, the point of all of this is not that kids want something for nothing, or that the inmates are running the mental asylum, but that 4,500 years of history says to buy gold and silver when it gets to this point, to which I add "and oil stocks."

And you don't have to believe me just because I'm an arrogant bastard who thinks he is some kind of genius or something.  No, sir!  You can but listen to the dulcet tones of any Junior Mogambo Ranger (JMR) -- intelligent people all! -- who will likewise tell you to buy gold, silver and oil stocks, too! It's freaking unanimous!

And if you are (be honest!) a lazy bastard like me, then you will appreciate the utter simplicity with which investment decisions are made when it merely boils down to "How much physical gold, physical silver and/or oil stocks should I buy today so that I will be wealthy in the future when this whole stinking, fraudulent, bloated, cancerous fiat-money crap goes bust in some horrific inflationary calamity, as it must because it always has, as so confidently and arrogantly argued by the petty, spiteful, hateful -- yet charming! -- Magnificent Mojo Mogambo (MMM)?"

Then you will, as I do, and as Junior Mogambo Rangers (JMRs) around the world do, and as everyone in this whole freaking quadrant of the galaxy do does do, too, do, gleefully say to yourself "Whee! This investing stuff is easy!"

If you are a JMR, then you noticed the code words "do does do, too, do." Now, get out your Mogambo Decoder Ring (MDR) and decipher the hidden message, which is "Buy gold, silver and oil."

If you are a JMR, then you already know that the secret message, "But gold, silver and oil", is always the same secret message.  This is because while the advice itself is brilliant, there is no such thing as a Mogambo Decoder Ring (MDR), so you couldn't decipher anything anyway.

So, if you have sent you money for, but not received, an MDR, be advised that the whole thing is a big rip-off, and you will never get your money back because that is just the petty, spiteful, hateful kind of guy that I am, but who is charming as all hell.

 

But you will wax wealthy from buying gold, silver and oil, which will more than make up for, you know, the ring rip-off thing.

And if you have NOT ordered a Mogambo Decoder Ring (MDR), then simply send $500, cash, in un-marked, non-sequential bills, in a plain envelope addressed to "Occupant", and then just wait!

In the meantime, don't forget buying the aforementioned gold, silver and oil, as "Whee! This investing stuff is easy!"

Stupendous Mogambo Advice (SMA)

I was recently in a spirited conversation with a small crowd of people about how my Stupid Mogambo Advice (SMA) to buy gold, silver and oil has not been working very well recently, and various theories were advanced as to why that should be the case.

One particular participant in the conversation volunteered to me that perhaps the reason is that I am stupid.  He looked right at me and said "You're a stupid, lying moron!", whereupon everyone agreed by cheering and clapping.

Yet another opined that they have not become fabulously wealthy overnight because I am a "Halfwitted loudmouth blowhard who doesn't know anything about anything", which was followed by more cheering and clapping.

Yet another pronounced "The Mogambo is a big fat stupid loser! And he eats like a pig! And he smells like a pig, too!" which was followed by even more cheering and clapping, and more than a few "oink oink" noises, which is not as charming as it sounds.

Now, I certainly agree that while there is considerable merit to these carefully-considered viewpoints, the truth is actually somewhere in between, namely that all of these idiotic, hateful people can go to hell as far as I am concerned.

In fact, no sooner do I get the soothing words "All of you idiotic, hateful people can go to hell as far as I am concerned!" out of my mouth, than suddenly everybody wants to argue about that, too! 

I mean, I can't win here!

Their stupid line of argument is that my "allowing" someone to go to hell is not actually an explanation of WHY investing in gold, silver and oil has been such a poor investment so that they did not become fabulously wealthy overnight, as they had so hopefully and carefully planned, and thus were not knee-deep in wicked debauchery and hedonistic excesses of one titillating kind or another.

So, always being the kindly gentleman and helpful teacher, I carefully explain to them "You bunch of ugly, greedy, mental-defectives and borderline psychopaths think that normal, expected fluctuations in the prices of gold, silver and oil, especially with all of the attendant manipulative shenanigans of various corrupt governments and corrupt regulators, should not, somehow, affect you?"

They all looked at me with their mouths hanging open. It was about here when I first sensed that the conversational ball had been dropped by these mental-case carbon blobs, so I continued "Before you answer, let me first tell you losers that you make me laugh -- Hahahaha!  -- at your Earthling stupidity, and I have nothing but revulsion and scorn for you, not only for your slovenly wardrobe, bad manners and ugly shoes, but mostly for your even thinking that, somehow, normal volatilities and statistical probabilities that affect everything, everywhere, all the time, all through the universe and beyond, somehow don't apply to you, personally, and that you -- alone! -- should be blessed as the only exemption in the Whole Freaking Universe (WFU) from the laws of probability."

I ended with the usual caveat "Don't make me laugh and laugh and laugh until I puke from too much laughing and I vomit on those shoes of yours that that are, as previously referred to earlier in the paragraph, ugly!"

Surprisingly, I could see I was still not getting my point across.
So, to change the mood and wrap this up, I suddenly put a big grin on my face and asked, in a perfect metaphor, "Was Rome destroyed in a day? Taa-daa!"

I naturally expected that the crowd would spontaneously erupt into a chorus of delighted laughter and hearty cheers -- Bravo! Author! Bravo!  -- in admiration of my cleverly changing the phrase that defines the gradual nature of things ("Rome was not built in a day") into such a delicious bon mot that I should be instantly hailed as the greatest writer since Mark Twain.

Alas, it was not to be. And too bad, too, because if they had shown the least bit of sycophantic fawning and slavish obeisance to me, or even offered me a lousy slice of pizza, then I would have gladly informed them that to be successful in investing, all you needed to do is be on the correct side of the long-term trend.

As George Soros is so famously to have said "The trick to investing success is identify the trend whose premise is false, and then bet against it."

In particular, the world's central banks have been creating excess money and credit to such a preposterous degree, for so preposterously long, that they long ago passed the point where it was possible to stop creating excess money and credit.

This is, obviously, a trend whose premise ("There is such a thing as a free lunch, and all the government has to do is print more money to pay for it!") is as false as this phony-baloney smile on my face.

Thus, since there is no free lunch, the lunch we have been providing for so long at no cost to so many has been paid for, and will continue to be paid for, in higher prices (price inflation), as all that extra money enters into the free market ("I'll take one of that and two of those!") and bids up the prices of things.

Thus the trend, as it always has been and always will be when so much new money is created, will be for more and more, and faster and faster, price inflation, ending in economic collapse.

And the investments to make to capitalize on this trend? I thought you'd never ask! Gold, silver and oil!

And how much to invest? I thought you'd never ask that, either!  Dollar-cost-averaging! Buy the same dollar-amount of gold and silver each month!

That way, you will buy more gold and silver when prices are down, and less of them when their prices are high.
How could anything be more correct, more timely, more timeless or more easy? It can't!

That is why people, just as Junior Mogambo Rangers (JMRs) around the world, who are happily buying gold, silver and oil to bet against the trend whose premise is false, are known to giddily exclaim "Whee! This investing stuff is easy!"

The Heroic And Brave Mogambo (THABM)

I woke up alone in the Mogambo Bad Mood Bunker (MBMB), drenched in sweat, exhausted from tossing and turning all night, tormented by the same horrific nightmare. 

It's the age-old horror story where vast hordes of desperate, starving people cannot afford to buy food because prices are so high and rising so fast, all because their idiot central bankers are creating so much excess money that the economy gets twisted by odious mal-investments and ruinous inflation in prices into a cancerous economic grotesquerie, and then the people had nothing to eat except dead people, and then they ate the dead people, and then it turned them into zombies with the undead stumbling through the long, shadowy night seeking screaming victims so as to kill them and eat their brains.

And, in the middle of it all, there I am, The Heroic And Brave Mogambo (THABM), shooting the hell out of hordes of moaning zombies with twin .50 caliber machine guns, one in each hand, the rope-like sinews of my brawny, muscular arms standing out like taut cords as I mow down zombies with a hail of red-hot lead.

Many people, when I tell them that I have had that nightmare, cavalierly say "Who cares about you or your stupid dream? Quit stealing my French fries and breathing on my food!"

So, being the kind and grandfatherly kind of stranger who only wants to help people, I gently turn and politely inform their children that they, and their parents, are going to suffer a painful, prolonged economic death, probably ending up wallowing in the filth and dirt of the gutter, eating bugs and weeds and dead people to survive, and that they had better enjoy that burger and fries while they can.

In a kind of "out the mouths of babes" surprise, the kids are suddenly all ears, and they want to know what will happen next!
Well, "What will happen next" is a subject upon which I am somewhat of an expert since the same thing has always -- as in Every Freaking Time (EFT) in the last few thousands of years -- happened when any stupid government is so stupid as to get so stupidly indebted for one stupid reason or another, and it usually involves desperate people with nothing to lose making an angry mess of things.

In my particular nightmare, the new twist was the inclusion of a remark by Ben "Butthead" Bernanke, laughable chairman of the Federal Reserve.    As he said in reality he says again in the nightmare, telling the frenzied mobs of zombies "Don't panic! Everything will be fine! Just do NOT try to buy food or energy with your money!  Invest your money instead, and maybe you will earn a return that will offset the inflation in prices that I am causing!"

This is, surprisingly, not actually exactly what he said, as I have, of course, paraphrased his actual remarks so that it is insultingly skewed towards making him look like the arrogant, lowlife, ignorant bastard that he is, but the disgusting, treacherous gist is all in there, in spades.

To be fair, he is exactly like all neo-Keynesian econometric trash infesting universities across this great land, land of the brave, home of the free, from sea to shining sea, who embarrass themselves by bleating on and on about the Consumption Function and how to manipulate it with algebra and calculus to say anything they want! To triple-digit decimal precision! Hahahaha! What buffoonery!

And I am likewise viciously scornful to anybody else who does not advocate for a stable money supply, as required by the Constitution of the United States, and as guaranteed by gold.

The more astute of you will notice that I am rude and disrespectful in a loud disdainful voice, full of contempt for anybody with a differing opinion, which is because I have heard the prattling of all those neo-Keynesian econometric opinions for decades, and thus I am completely sure that, as economists, they are all incompetent blowhards, which I prove by merely asking you to get up off of your fat butt and go over to the window to merely look out at the world ruined by the Federal Reserve creating so much, so damnably much, so idiotically much money and credit -- and dollar-for-dollar attendant debt! -- for the last half century, but especially in the last few decades, and most especially in the last two decades, and most especially, especially most, in the last three years as the evil Federal Reserve created enough money to buy an astounding $5 trillion of US government debt!

Why worry? Because only with a stable money supply can aggregate prices not rise, and thus aggregate prices do not rise because there is no extra money with which to pay higher prices, and there is no extra money since the money supply could not grow.

To be fair, Bernanke actually said that inflation in prices was only a problem for people who buy things or stick their money under a mattress to save it, but that if people invested the money, then they would find that, hopefully, inflation in prices will be no problem.

Thus he has given himself and the Federal Reserve the "green light" to create as much monetary inflation and as much price inflation as he wants, as completely insane as that obviously is, as completely contrary to what was clearly intended by the Constitution of the United States as that obviously is, and as completely contrary to the mission of the Federal Reserve to maintain stable prices and a stable dollar as that obviously is.
And thus this should give you the "green light" to panic, frantically hop in your car, turn the radio up loud, and screech the tires as you burn out to buy as much gold, silver and oil as you possibly can as quickly as you possibly can.

And if you do not, then you will soon have an epiphany about the phrase We're Freaking Doomed (WFD)! Or end up as a zombie. We'll see.

Mogambo Editorial Genius (MEG)

As one of the unfortunate few who can only imagine success in anything, and envy it in others, I am, of course, extremely jealous of Ron Paul, presidential candidate, Austrian-school economist, physician and all-around nice guy among, I assume, other laudatory attributes of which I am personally unaware, making me all the more jealous and spiteful.

My latest grievance with Ron Paul is that he recently had an essay published in the prestigious Financial Times. It was placed at the tippy-top of the op-ed section, and was titled "Our central bankers are intellectually bankrupt."

Now, I will agree that that was a pretty good title, as titles go, as it was certainly eye-arresting, pithy, completely accurate, and with a deliciously unmistakable undertone of loathing and contempt for central bankers, as is so richly, richly deserved. 

Now, here is where I try to get the attention that I desperately crave by bizarrely criticizing and improving upon Ron Paul, instead of trying (and failing again and again) to come up with anything new or (I wish!) clever.  

I figure that I can do this because, right off the bat, he's not here to stop me, and in fact, nobody is here to stop me.

Secondly, I would be foolish to forego an opportunity to show off by displaying my Mogambo Editorial Genius (MEG) when I can immediately -- immediately, I tells ya! -- see a vast, VAST improvement if I merely appended the title to produce the much more accurate, and distinctly more powerful at the expense of pithy, "Our central bankers are an intellectually bankrupt and lying bunch of neo-Keynesian econometric wankers."

Additionally, in case there was somebody considering reading the essay by examining the headline who does not immediately understand that I have a loathing disdain for the Federal Reserve, for Keynesian theory and for their laughable econometric ignorance and arrogance, I would have also cleverly used a sub-head!

 In smaller print, but in bolder print, it would blare out "Read this essay and find out why We're Freaking Doomed (WFD) because the evil Federal Reserve has been creating so impossibly much money that roaring inflation in consumer prices will destroy us, you lowlife moron!"

By now, I am sure that you see how I am a gifted genius by the way I am chopping this Ron Paul guy to pieces here!  And I haven't even gotten started criticizing him on the text of his essay, although he did a really, really good job demolishing the Federal Reserve, its stupid policies, its stupid theories, its stupid actions and, by extension, its loathsome apologists, too.

So I feel a little guilty here because only a really, really hateful guy -- a guy like me! -- who was psychotically desperate for attention -- again, a guy like me! -- would be so tacky as to dare criticize the rightfully-famous Ron Paul after doing such a superb job of it.

For instance, he goes on that there is confusion between money and wealth, and that it "reflects the idea that prosperity stems from high asset prices and large amounts of money and credit."

Well, I got some news for Ron Paul, big-shot doctor, intellectual and economist extraordinaire, because you CAN have the semblance of prosperity with high asset prices and large amounts of money and credit anytime you want, as long as you don't mind higher and higher consumer prices, and grumpier and grumpier poor people, and more and more ruinous distortions and cancerous mal-investments Every Freaking Day (EFD) of your life.

Of course, Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, so famously said that inflation is only a problem for people who buy things or put the money under their mattress to save it instead of putting the money into investments that will, hopefully, grow as fast as inflation, to which I reply, with all the sarcastic scorn and loathing that I can muster at such idiocy, "Hahahaha!"

Alas, Ben "Call Me Dumb-Ass" Bernanke neglected to mention (or perhaps he doesn't even know, which would explain why his middle name is "Call Me Dumb-Ass", although I thought that I had just made it up, suddenly giving everything a spooky, weird Twilight Zone feeling) that it is numerically impossible -- emphasize "impossible" -- for the majority of people to make a real, inflation-adjusted profit by investing in the stock market.

And the reason why it is impossible for the majority of people to make a profit by investing is contained, almost koan-like, in the question "Where would the money come from?"

And -- again with a reason why his middle name might really be "Call Me Dumb-Ass"!  -- the tax due on any realized nominal (not inflation-adjusted) gain radically worsens your chances of even keeping pace with inflation -- which was probably zero in the first place -- by literally taking money away from you! Hahaha!

You're screwed and there's nothing that you can do about it as long as interest rates on savings is less than the rate of inflation.

Now I think you are ready to ask yourself these questions. "Why am I wasting my time reading this insulting drivel? Is this stupid essay even marginally educational when denouncing the Federal Reserve as a festering, fetid cesspool of neo-Keynesian econometric wankers?  Is a wanker what I think it is?  Is this Mogambo guy right when he says to buy gold, silver and oil because of the devastating price inflation caused by the evil Federal Reserve creating so much excess money and credit so that the horrid Obama administration can borrow and spend it in a disgusting orgy of deficit-spending to support a suffocating welfare/police state, like Right Freaking Now (RFN)?"

If you answered "Yes" to ALL of those questions, then I am happy to tell you that you may consider yourself a true Junior Mogambo Ranger (JMR), proudly taking your place parading arrogantly amongst other intelligent persons, all of whom also know that the answer to these questions, and many more, is, of course, "Yes."

The difference between a real JMR and the mere poseur is revealed by noting who actually takes action in acquiring gold, silver and oil, shouting "Whee! This investing stuff is easy!"

And with a Federal Reserve doing what it is doing, and a federal government doing what it is doing, indeed it is easy! Whee!

 

Fabulous Mogambo Essay (FME)

I recently had a revelation of sorts, distilled from my merely noticing what happens when passing by my neighbors, out on their stupid lawns, playing with their stupid kids, or washing their stupid cars, or just doing something stupid.

I am sure that you wonder how I can tell that they are stupid.  Easy. I've been telling them to buy gold, silver and oil, for so long, and to such little effect, even in the face of such enormous gains accruing to those who followed such Fabulous Mogambo Advice (FMA), that one can only conclude that they are stupid or deaf.

And I know they are not deaf because when I helpfully say to them "Hey, you drooling moron! Buy gold, silver and oil stocks or kiss your stupid, ugly butt goodbye!", where by "ugly" I mean "big", they always reply, all huffy, "Who are you calling a drooling moron, you moron?", thus proving that they can, indeed, hear.

Anyway, being the friendly, peach-of-a-helpful guy that I am, as I pass by them in my snazzy Mogambo-Mobile, I always honk the horn several times to get their attention, and then we exchange the usual pleasantries, usually along the lines of them saying to me "Shut up that stupid horn, you dumb Mogambo bastard!", with me responding by cheerfully reminding them of their many, many errors, delivered along the lines of "I told you that your economic hell was going to happen, you lowlife cretin of a moron, because the Federal Reserve is creating so much excess money and credit!"

If I don't think that they are near enough to actually hit my car with anything, I can go slow enough to manage to throw in a little free history lesson for them, too, as in "And if you had bought gold, silver and oil when I told you to, then maybe you would be wealthy by this time, instead of just being older, uglier, fatter and (as far as I can tell) even stupider now than you were when you were too damned stupid to buy gold, silver and oil like I told you to, way back when, which was, QED, pretty damned stupid of you, and a complete waste of my Precious Mogambo Time (PMT)!"

They, of course, voice their displeasure at my reminding them of what imbeciles they are, mostly by engaging in making crude gestures, shouting rude profanities and flinging pet excrement at me, all of which are low-class behaviors that you would naturally expect from morons that are so, as previously postulated, stupid.

To be accurate, and just to set the record straight, my idiot neighbors only act hateful and cruel because they foolishly think that I am NOT carrying some kind of weapon that might "accidentally" fire, usually in the direction of somebody being hateful and/or cruel to me, and who is, obviously, asking to have their middle finger shot clean off.

But as to stupidity, if you want a frustrating afternoon, trying explaining the simple idea that the continual creation of a larger money supply leads to price inflation, even though Milton Friedman famously said -- long enough ago that they should have heard of it by now! -- that "Price inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon."

So, I honk my horn at these boneheads, and I disdainfully huff in my haughty condescension that they deserve what they get for ignoring Friedman, and ignoring the enormous increases in the money supply created by the evil Federal Reserve, a lot of which was used to buy the $5 trillion of new Treasury debt issued by the evil Obama spendthrift administration in the last 3 years!.

So, I mean, you would think that some, or at least one, of these proletariat halfwit neighbors of mine would have been impressed with Friedman's profound economic truism, especially considering the fact that nobody has disproved it yet!

Nor has anyone even found any time in history where such increases in the money supply did NOT produce inflation in prices, which of course hurts the poor by making things cost more.

As to the economy today, in case you are wondering on the edge of your seat what will happen, pull your chair up here closer to me so that you can look deep, deep into my eyes, and thus be impressed by my Awesome Mogambo Sincerity (AMS).  

Perhaps then you will understand the terrible enormity of what is happening because the evil Federal Reserve created, and is still creating, so much excess money and credit for the last 25 years, and maybe that explains why the soundtrack to this Fabulous Mogambo Essay (FME) sounds so spooky and foreboding, a sonic mishmash with crashing, clashing horns making your skin crawl at the horrible dissonance, but not quite able to disguise the sound of ravenous wolves and government-employees unions approaching, one to eat you, and the other to eat your wallet.

If you don't hear the soundtrack on your computers, it is bad news for those of us who are both paranoid and have no idea how computers or soundtracks work.  I figure that it means that the government is censoring me, crushing me under its hob-nailed boot heel, to keep me from giving you the vital, VITAL advice to buy gold, silver and oil as protection (and enormous wealth-generation!) against the raging price inflation that will rain down upon us because of the foul Federal Reserve.

In fact, the vital, VITAL information to buy gold, silver and oil, distilled, as it is, from thousands of years of history, is so important (as indicated by the repeated use of the word "vital" over and over, which I use to make myself feel important) that I expect secret government agents to take action against the spread of this Immortal Mogambo Message (IMM) at any secon...